on the impossible dream

I am annoyed at the amount of effort I'm going to have to put in to unwinding red-tape before I'm going to be allowed to have a daughter. And I'm annoyed at how people talk about it. And I'm annoyed about idiotic systems.

For those of your who don't already know this, I want to have a daughter. And unfortunately for me, I don't want to do this the socially sanctioned way (getting pregnant). Which for some reason means that I get asked the most stupid questions by people who really should know better. My current favourite is, "But don't you want one of your own?". Sigh. I do. Hence the adoption.

I'm scared of adopting. I'm terrified of the social system that means that my child will be able to hate me and have a 'real' mother to go to. I don't need my fears validated. I need to be reminded that any child biological or not can and will at some point during their life hate their mother/parent. This is the process of individuation! Any child of mine will be a person in their own right and they will live their life, not mine.

Anyhow, there are practical difficulties. Adoption costs a whole lot of money and up to two years of time. During which I have to convince the governments of two countries that I am a fit parent for the child I do not yet have. This seems to involve having a full-time job and a stable home enviroment so that any possible child of mine will have a secure and fulfilled life. Given that (in my experience) security has far more to do with emotional safety and love than monetary stability, this galls me not a little. Especially since I have every intention of loving my daughter to bits and none at all of turning into a stuffed shirt.

So even though there are millions of children alive now who I could easily learn to love and who hopefully would not hate me, the only practicable option left to me is to deliberately bring another child into this world. Gaaaah.

There is more to this rant, but it's making me too angry to type. Wish the idiots would just leave me alone and keep their stupid bloody laws off my body and my life.